Nahhh better yet I think I will leave this post!! - Surprise Surprise!!

I was advised by the attorney of the people whom reference was made in the original post that used to sit here to remove it....  So I did!!

On to the next.....

Christo

Trip Thru Memory Lane......

So I have been thinking a lot into the past today……. Kind of going back to when this whole thing started, when all hell broke loose…. I remember moving home back in 96’ I can’t quite remember the exact month but I do so very distinctly remember the day. I had been in a long term relationship with this girl Diane, shit just wasn’t jiving between us any longer and we decided the best thing to do was to go our separate ways. I remember this was shortly after my brother had graduated high school and he and his friends were partying on the regular. Here I am semi responsible and back on the market moving into a hornet’s nest of illicit activity, I also must add that my parents were going thru troubles of their own at the time. I went from 0 to 120 in a matter of days, social drinker to blackout drinker…. Recreational marijuana smoker to hardcore cocaine addict (I’m taking in excess of $300 per night in a matter of days). I always had the disposition of an alcoholic / addict but this is where my life did a complete 180. Shortly after I had moved home my mother had found her scapegoat, a reason to tell my father she couldn’t handle it (the house was turned upside down when I came home supposedly), and she was leaving. Where exactly she moved to at this time I don’t really remember, but I will say her leaving and passing the blame really caused a lot of tension at home between my father and I. My drinking and his didn’t mix very well and the cocaine induced rages I would go into were fuel for disaster. A lot of nights ended with me on top of my father in the kitchen fist balled up wanting to smash his fucking face, a unhealthy outlet for all the years of pent up anger I had towards him.


I am going to be jumping all over here, and a lot of important information may be overlooked so be patient if you plan on following this.

So here I am living in a home with my 18 year old brother and my alcoholic father binging on alcohol and cocaine. I have become a raging lunatic, I mean out of fucking control sometimes up for three to four days. I had quickly become the guy no-one wanted to be around because my temper and actions were becoming so unpredictable. I was experiencing the effects of cocaine induced psychosis on a regular basis, and the drinking would start earlier and earlier in the day (if there was even a break at all). Consuming 30 packs of beer and 750mL of cheap vodka was my new forte, I gave up a rapidly accelerated position in the cellular industry at a time when that was one of the best industries to be working in. I was a Motorola and Nokia certified cellular technician (I just can’t imagine the money I gave up when I threw the towel in on that one) but it’s gone now and well that’s just the nature of the beast. Basically what I am setting up for was my first introduction to heroin, the day Chris became something else…. Someone else…. Someone I still to this day do not recognize…. Thinking back there are a lot of how’s and why’s, I cannot quite pinpoint exactly the reason why I so became hell-bent on destroying myself. But as soon as I got that first taste of heroin a switch flipped on and I have had the hardest fucking time keeping the power feeding it shut off…. More tomorrow, I am tired and need to start sleeping more!!

Demonic Injection!!

I was talking with a friend the other day and she said to me the when I am using it is as though “I have the look of evil in my eyes”… I have never seen the look because typically when I am actively using I spend as little time as possible looking at myself. I came to this conclusion though because when I am using heroin I will go to any length to get what I want, I would push my own grandmother into oncoming traffic if I knew there was free heroin on the other side of the street. When I take that first injection of dope I am literally pushing the devil into my veins. Completely and totally giving my soul away, throwing every ounce of good that I have in me to the wind. I don’t care about anything, anyone nothing matters but that next shot of dope…………


Lately I have been thinking a lot about returning to active addiction, but today I can see what a horrible person I become when heroin becomes my number one priority. And well sorry dopeman, I refuse to give in that easy…. I will continue to fight for my freedom no matter how shitty things seem to get…. I recently got a job, thanks to a couple of good friends which I have acquired as a result of my struggle…. It is strange how GOD or whatever you want to call it works in our lives, how people are placed in our paths for reasons unknown…. Today I can say though I have real friends, people I can count on to be there when shit gets rough. I haven’t been writing as much as I have wanted to lately but I have had a lot of shit on my mind…..

Till later…