So I have been thinking a lot into the past today……. Kind of going back to when this whole thing started, when all hell broke loose…. I remember moving home back in 96’ I can’t quite remember the exact month but I do so very distinctly remember the day. I had been in a long term relationship with this girl Diane, shit just wasn’t jiving between us any longer and we decided the best thing to do was to go our separate ways. I remember this was shortly after my brother had graduated high school and he and his friends were partying on the regular. Here I am semi responsible and back on the market moving into a hornet’s nest of illicit activity, I also must add that my parents were going thru troubles of their own at the time. I went from 0 to 120 in a matter of days, social drinker to blackout drinker…. Recreational marijuana smoker to hardcore cocaine addict (I’m taking in excess of $300 per night in a matter of days). I always had the disposition of an alcoholic / addict but this is where my life did a complete 180. Shortly after I had moved home my mother had found her scapegoat, a reason to tell my father she couldn’t handle it (the house was turned upside down when I came home supposedly), and she was leaving. Where exactly she moved to at this time I don’t really remember, but I will say her leaving and passing the blame really caused a lot of tension at home between my father and I. My drinking and his didn’t mix very well and the cocaine induced rages I would go into were fuel for disaster. A lot of nights ended with me on top of my father in the kitchen fist balled up wanting to smash his fucking face, a unhealthy outlet for all the years of pent up anger I had towards him.
I am going to be jumping all over here, and a lot of important information may be overlooked so be patient if you plan on following this.
So here I am living in a home with my 18 year old brother and my alcoholic father binging on alcohol and cocaine. I have become a raging lunatic, I mean out of fucking control sometimes up for three to four days. I had quickly become the guy no-one wanted to be around because my temper and actions were becoming so unpredictable. I was experiencing the effects of cocaine induced psychosis on a regular basis, and the drinking would start earlier and earlier in the day (if there was even a break at all). Consuming 30 packs of beer and 750mL of cheap vodka was my new forte, I gave up a rapidly accelerated position in the cellular industry at a time when that was one of the best industries to be working in. I was a Motorola and Nokia certified cellular technician (I just can’t imagine the money I gave up when I threw the towel in on that one) but it’s gone now and well that’s just the nature of the beast. Basically what I am setting up for was my first introduction to heroin, the day Chris became something else…. Someone else…. Someone I still to this day do not recognize…. Thinking back there are a lot of how’s and why’s, I cannot quite pinpoint exactly the reason why I so became hell-bent on destroying myself. But as soon as I got that first taste of heroin a switch flipped on and I have had the hardest fucking time keeping the power feeding it shut off…. More tomorrow, I am tired and need to start sleeping more!!
